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Whenever you open your mouth to speak, you set your tongue on fire with the power to build or destroy. The heat that ignites what you put on your lips comes from what you hold in your heart, and what you hold in your heart will either create or limit what’s possible. The words you speak reveal your heart’s condition — a good indicator of whether your actions will work for or against you. My client Jim was telling me about an upcoming meeting with a disgruntled customer. A lot was riding on the meeting. If it went well, his company would get a flood of new business; if it didn’t, his company stood to lose hundreds of thousands of dollars in existing business. He was feeling pressure to perform well. His first comment was, “This is going to be a difficult meeting.” His face and body registered anxiety. I asked for the story behind the need for the visit, including Jim’s intentions for the meeting. He told me a story of missed deadlines, inaccurate information, and sloppy workmanship on the part of his organization. All of which, he said, was true. But as he discussed the problems the customer had experienced, Jim also expressed empathy for his client. He spoke at length about what his company was doing to change things so that no client would ever experience such poor service again. Jim focused on what he would say, the assurances he would provide, and the documentation he would bring to the meeting as proof that he was a man of his word — that they could count on him and his company to come through for them in the future. By the time he’d finished, he was filled with positive energy, ready to jump on a plane and meet his client face-to-face. What started out as a meeting that was “going to be difficult” turned into a meeting where genuine empathy would be expressed and where solutions and personal guarantees would be given. What started out in feelings of fear turned into feelings of power and energy and a deep personal commitment to fulfill on promises made. I was convinced that Jim’s natural optimism, combined with clear positive intentions for the meeting, would make all the difference between success and failure. By clarifying his intentions (the condition of his heart), he was able to interpret the upcoming meeting in a more favorable light. This generated possibility that ultimately led to personal success and significant business gains for his company. Had he not considered his intentions, or had his intentions been for selfish gain, fear might have reigned at the meeting, thereby seriously hindering chances for the positive outcome he enjoyed. Possibility is created when our heart’s condition (our intention) is positive. When we focus on positive intentions, instead of our fears, the words coming out of our mouths propel us toward possibilities. Be your own best coach. Answer the following:
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My friend Charlotte and I were in kindergarten. She had invited me to her house to play for the afternoon, and, at some point, asked me a puzzling question, “Would you like peanut butter on a spoon?”
“What’s peanut butter on a spoon?” I asked.
“It’s peanut butter on a spoon,” she stated with a rather baffled expression on her face.
“I know what you said, but I don’t know what that is.”
“It’s peanut butter on a spoon. That’s what it is.”
I simply could not picture what she was talking about. It was out of my experience, so after several go-rounds with her trying to tell me what this unknown ”thing” was, I finally asked, “Can you show me?”
“Sure.” Charlotte led me to the kitchen, opened up a cupboard door, reached in and pulled out a can of Shedd’s peanut butter. Then, she opened a drawer, took out a spoon, and dunked it into the peanut butter, coming up with a load of peanut butter on the spoon which she then held out to me, “Peanut butter on a spoon. Want some?”
This was a completely new dining experience for me. In my short life, I had never once been offered peanut butter on a spoon. I understood peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but simply could not fathom what was meant by the “new” term, “peanut butter on a spoon.” Of course, the moment I saw her take the spoon from the drawer, and dunk it into the peanut butter, I could see where she was going and realized that there was another way to eat peanut butter – straight up - which I thought was simply quite amazing.
Though Charlotte and I were only five or six at the time, what happened with the peanut butter incident is the same thing that happens in the workplace. Someone issues a directive using commonplace language and assumes that the work will get done. But because the other guy doesn’t understand the intended message, things don’t happen as they should. This leads to upset and conflict or worse.
Leaders don’t allow communication barriers to block the flow of the intended message. They know that a major barrier to communication success is the mistaken belief that you will find meanings in words. Leaders know that meanings are rarely found in the words, but rather in the people who speak them. They know that everyone has a unique code book and the connotation brought to a word based on one’s experiences is far more powerful than a dictionary definition. Therefore, the leader makes sure that team members understand the intent of the message. They don’t assume. They clarify until all “get it.”
Be your own coach; ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I often misunderstood? Are my instructions sometimes not carried out as I had hoped?
- Do I assume that people understand what I’ve said or do I ask for feedback to ensure understanding?
- What is one thing I could do to improve the clarity of my communication?
